


regret and grief

by setaxis



Category: GOT7
Genre: Comfort, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-09 14:15:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5542949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/setaxis/pseuds/setaxis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Jinyoung is gone from Jackson’s life strange things start happening in their shared apartment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	regret and grief

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that all the mental illness discussed in this fic is from my own experience and those of people I know, and the counsellor is what I would have liked more than what I got. This does not cover all people with depression or any other mental illness.
> 
> This was written for the jinsonology fic fest on lj, please go and check out the other wonderful fics! (jinsonology.livejournal.com)

It’s getting cold. It’s only October but Jackson can already feel the chill in the air, breeze going straight through the thin fabric of his jumper. He regrets not bringing his coat but he’s too far away from home and too late for his appointment to turn back and get it. 

He shoves his hands under his armpits as he walks, ignoring the disapproving looks from the old ladies who clearly think he’s underdressed. Really he should have taken the bus but he doesn’t have his bus pass. He’s gotten forgetful of late. He doesn’t know where it is. Jinyoung would know. 

The walk there gives him time to think anyway. Not something he usually enjoys, being alone with his thoughts, but he’ll be forced to face them soon enough anyway and it hurts less when he gets there is he’s tried to at least allow them free roam for a while. 

When he enters the building the receptionist smiles at him. It’s the same one as always but Jackson has never bothered to learn her name. He smiles back though as he takes his seat to wait. He doesn’t need to check in. Even if he doesn’t know her name, the receptionist knows his.

“Doctor Tuan will see you now, Mister Wang.” 

Jackson nods politely and makes his way down the corridor to Mark’s office. He’s always thought it strange that for a therapist – the place that is supposed to bring light into its patients’ lives – it’s so dark and oppressive. He doesn’t knock. As he suspects, Mark is lounging across his chair, notebook tented across his face.

“Why do I even bother coming back?” Jackson mutters to himself as he flops down on the sofa. He has to wait until Mark wakes up (he’d learnt that the hard way the first time he tried) and he doesn’t even have his phone to keep him occupied. He pouts. Glancing around for something to keep him amused he notices a piece of paper on the coffee table. At the top, written in Mark’s messy scrawl are the words, 

_“Do this. I need a nap.”_

Jackson snorts none too softly. There’s never a time when Mark doesn’t seem to need a nap. It’s enough to make him wonder whether Mark has any other patients if this is the way he treats them, or whether Jackson is the only one he feels comfortable enough to drift off around. 

Dutifully though he starts reading through the questions. Like all of Mark’s “exercises” they no sense at all but they’re fun and they’re a good enough distraction that Jackson doesn’t mind doing them. Frowning down at “Who would you give your last biscuit to?” he gets to work. 

Xxx

When he gets back home, emotionally drained and ready to sleep for a thousand years, Bambam has made himself at home in his kitchen and is scooping out the last of his Nutella with a spoon.

“I don’t remember giving you a key, cheeky sod.” He growls, putting his interloper in a headlock. Bambam squeaks and nearly drops the jar. 

“Is that how you treat your favourite Thai dongsaeng?” He pouts. Jackson doesn’t need to see it, he can hear it in Bambam’s voice. Whiny brat. 

“You’re my _only_ Thai dongsaeng. Stop breaking into my flat.”

“Wouldn’t have to if you’d just invite me over once in a while.” Bambam huffs. “And before you say it, going out every weekend together doesn’t count. There’s loads of us and I barely see you all night!”

Despite himself something fond crawls up in Jackson’s chest.

“Aw, is my Bam-baby feeling neglected?”

“You wish. I’ve got a new friend and he’s much better than you. Taller for a start.”

“A _friend_ , huh?” Jackson drawls. “Sure you don’t mean a slave?”

“Piss off.” Bambam finally breaks free and makes a break for the sofa. He’s got Netflix up before Jackson can even blink and soon enough has found something that makes him laugh out loud. 

Jackson groans as he dumps himself on the couch next to Bambam. “Not Dream High 2 again.” He says, by now resigned to the fact he’s not getting his flat to himself any time soon. 

“But it’s so funny!” Bambam whines. “And there’s those two actors in it that look like Jaebum-hyung and Jinyoung-hyung!”

“Not tonight, Bam. Maybe some other time.” Jackson says quietly. Bambam stills, as if he’s realised he’s said the wrong thing. He lets Jackson prise the remote out of his hands and flick to something else. 

“Not tonight.” Bambam agrees, strangely mellow. A pause. Then, “Mulan?”

Jackson grins. “Always.”

Xxx

Life carries on, more or less. After Jinyoung is gone Jackson still does all the stuff he did before. He goes fencing, he sees his friends on the weekend, he turns up to his job slightly later than he's supposed to. On the surface nothing has changed but underneath everything is numb. He carries on working, smiling, everything he would have done if Jinyoung were still here, because Jackson won't give the bastard the satisfaction of seeing him fall apart.

In fact, the only change to his routine is Mark. Honestly he's only going because Jaebum called in a favour Jackson owes him and seeing a guy that sleeps more than he psychoanalyses is a relatively harmless and painless way to pay off that debt. Jaebum is known for his cruelty in that regard – there's a reason he and Jinyoung got on so well. 

Jackson can't get mad about having to see Mark. Not when he knows Jaebum well enough to realise this is his emotionally constipated way of saying he cares. 

"I think I'm going mad." He tells Mark one session. He wants to see what Mark's response will be. It's disappointing really. He simply smiles and says,

"All the best people are." 

Jackson thinks Mark is probably only saying that because he knows he himself is mad. 

Then he enquires as to Jackson's particular brand of madness, calm as you like. Jackson spent the rest of that session writing down all the various reasons that all his friends _except_ him were mad. That made Mark laugh out loud. 

Except now Jackson really does feel like he's on the brink of insanity. It's gone past forgetfulness now. He found his socks in the freezer the other day. When he's home alone he swears there's someone else in the room with him, watching, and as soon as he thinks it's safe to relax something slams or bangs and he's frightened out of his skin. Again.

He'd tried to explain it to Jaebum but all he'd received was a look, equal parts concerned and disbelieving, and been asked how his sessions with Mark were going. Jackson knows he isn't the bravest of people, okay. That doesn't mean he's making shit up. His washing machine refuses to turn on unless he separates his darks and lights, for fuck's sake. Who could make that up?

There's only so much time Jackson can spend out of his flat. He ups his gym time, calls up every friend he can think of to go out with him and still he can't escape at night. He's even desperate enough to think about picking up somebody in a club and going back to theirs... but in the end he doesn't. Maybe he would have done before Jinyoung, but then a lot of things were different before Jinyoung.

In his desperation he invites Bambam over for a 'just like old times sleepover' and – seeing as Bambam has been practically attached to him lately and Jackson is always up for an opportunity to tease his bam-baby – he tells Bambam to bring his new best friend along too. There's a lot of excited squealing and babbling down the phone which Jackson takes as a yes. 

He quickly makes a run to the shop to buy snacks and drinks and pizza because he's not feeling rich enough for takeaway, especially when he doesn't yet know how much this friend of Bambam's can eat. Laden down with bags he climbs the three floors to his flat and fights his way into his flat. For the next hour or so he potters about cleaning his flat, even going so far as to _dust_ and _mop_ , something that Jinyoung was forever nagging him to do. 

_Finally. How many years have I been telling you you have to dust otherwise everything just keeps getting dirty? And doesn't the floor look so much nicer and shinier now you've mopped it? Once again, Jinyoung is right and Jackson is wrong._

Jackson shakes his head. Jinyoung's voice was so loud, ringing in his ears, it was almost as if he were right there with him. Back in their flat. Home, where he belonged. 

Unbidden, tears spring to his eyes. He wipes at them furiously. He refuses to cry. It's been months and yet still he gets these strange bursts of sadness, seemingly over nothing. He's at the point of tears over fucking _dusting_ for pity's sake! Perhaps he should have taken Jaebum's advice and moved back in with him, but he doesn't want to. Yes, Jaebum is probably right when he says that it'll be harder for Jackson to move on surrounded by things that remind him of Jinyoung all the time but Jackson doesn't want to move on. He doesn't want to forget Jinyoung. 

All thoughts of Jinyoung are interrupted by Bambam’s shriek of joy.

"Jackson hyung!" Bambam launches himself at Jackson, clinging to him like a baby koala. 

"Bam-baby!" Jackson cries. He doesn't even blink, just lifts Bambam up by the waist and swings him around. "Ready for our super manly sleep over?"

Bambam whines at Jackson to stop calling it a sleep over – it's a home visit! – which prompts Jackson to tell Bambam he sounds like a teacher visiting a naughty pupil. Bambam fires back that wouldn't be far wrong.

Over Bambam's shoulder Jackson suddenly catches sight of a giant watching them with amusement.

"Oh, so this is your new best friend huh?" Jackson croons. "I see who you've replaced me with. Is it because his legs are longer than mine, huh? Huh?"

He swings Bambam around until he screams to be put down. Then he drags Jackson over to where Yugyeom is 'because they need to be introduced properly!'. Jackson has to look up to see Yugyeom's face. He's even huger up close and Jackson is not impressed.

"You didn't tell me he was this unnecessarily tall!" Jackson whines. "There's tall and then there's this!" He waves an arm in Yugyeom's general direction. 

Yugyeom giggles. Honest to god giggles, and his face changes immediately from vaguely imposing to cute little muffin. Jackson is enamoured.

"He's a giant teddy bear!" He exclaims excitedly. "Bambam you've kept this all to yourself?"

"I didn't want you to scare him off!" Bambam retorts. 

"If you didn't scare him off I don't know how I could." 

"He's got a point there." Yugyeom finally pipes up.

The look of betrayal Bambam shoots him then is practically Oscar worthy and Jackson knows that he and this Yugyeom kid are going to get on just fine. He grins.

The rest of the evening is spent with Yugyeom kicking both their arses at Just Dance and then once they're tired watching the most terrible martial arts films they can find on netflix. Some time around one Yugyeom excuses himself to go home telling them to have fun at their super manly sleep over and promising to meet up with both of them soon. 

Then Jackson and Bambam retire back to his bedroom and make themselves a nest of blankets and pillows. Jinyoung always kept buying them to 'make their bedroom match the season' whatever that means – so there's plenty to use. He'd made sure, right after Jinyoung left him, to wash all of them and is vaguely disappointed when none of them smell like Jinyoung.

"Jackson hyung, are you really doing okay?" Bambam asks him, big eyes soft and concerned.

Jackson falters. Honestly, he hasn't thought about it. Is he okay? He's doing all the things he should be doing – working, eating, washing – but does that mean he's okay? 

"I don't think so." Jackson says slowly. "I'm not awful either, but-"

"You miss him." Bambam says sagely.

"Yeah." 

It feels like a release to say it. It feels like an affirmation that it's okay to miss him, to want him back. 

"You don't have to put on a brave face for us, hyung." Bambam whispers. "We don't mind. We want to know if you're feeling down or sad or angry because we want to be there for you, you know? We love you."

Normally Jackson would coo at him for being so cheesy or put him in a headlock but not this time. He pulls Bambam to his chest and cuddles him close. He can feel the tears of gratefulness prick at his eyes. How did he get so lucky to have friends who seem to know exactly what he needs when he himself could never do the same for the person he loved most?

"I know." He presses a kiss to the top of Bambam's head, squeezing him tightly. "Thank you."

Bambam makes a small huffing sound, pleased with himself. They lie like that, Bambam's head resting on Jackson's chest until they both drift off to sleep. It's unusual for them. Usually every waking moment when they are together is filled with chatting and laughter and sound but this time it feels like no words are needed. It feels right.

That night, no windows slam. No washing machine turns on of its own accord. Jackson sleeps in peace, undisturbed and unhaunted. 

Xxx

Jaebum has been Jackson's friend since they were assigned as roommates together in their first year of university. Admittedly, Jaebum had taken some time to warm up to Jackson and his eccentricity but once that hurdle was crossed they had been near inseparable. It had been Jaebum that dragged him along to the dance club and introduced him to Jinyoung in the first place. 

Jackson is very grateful to have Jaebum in his life. He's like a constant, warm, solid presence. He's always been there for Jackson, especially when things were rough with Jinyoung – particularly in the first couple of years of their relationship. Neither of them were very good at expressing what they really wanted and unfortunately Jaebum had often been relegated to middle man. Eventually though they'd simmered down into a comfortable pattern of bickering Jaebum liked to compare to 'an old married couple' and Jaebum was free to be a friend once more.

Now each of them have their own jobs, their own lives. Jaebum works as a composer for one of the big music companies and Jackson has a boring office job that he doesn't enjoy but it pays the bills. They had been saving up to move to America, him and Jinyoung. Jinyoung had wanted to open up a bookshop. They had it all planned out.

It's in the past now. He could have quit his job ages ago but he doesn't. He likes his co-worker, Youngjae, and he likes the routine. Honestly he doesn't know what he would have done without the need to go to work. Weekends are still the worst thing now, when he's at a loose end and has too much time with his thoughts. He hates too much time spent in his own company anyway but it's worse now Jinyoung isn't here. 

"You should have told your boss." Jaebum chides him over a pint. They've found a pub in the heart of Seoul that one of Jaebum's co-workers recommended. It's been their mission since uni to drink in every bar and pub in Seoul and they're doing a pretty good job of it, even if Jackson does say so himself. 

Jackson shrugs. "What would I say? I'd never told him about Jinyoung in the first place, didn't want to get fired."

"Homophobic bastard." Jaebum growls.

"Yeah, well." Jackson says. "Doesn't matter."

"I know you like working, Jacks, but you haven't taken any time to deal with this. Don't you think some time off would be good for you?"

Jackson snorts and takes a large sip of his pint. "And do what? Mope around the flat remembering all the time me and Jinyoung spent there? No thank you."

"I could take some time off, we could go somewhere." 

"Why Jaebummie, if you wanted to get me alone all you had to do was ask!" Jackson clings to Jaebum's arm and bats his eyelashes in a way Jinyoung always called sickening. As if Jinyoung could talk. His aegyo was horrifying.

"Eugh!" Jaebum exclaims. "As if. I know where your dick's been!"

Jackson sobers at that. He hasn't got laid since Jinyoung. Hasn't wanted to beyond wanting to get out of his flat. 

"Hey..." Jaebum says. 

"I'm okay." Jackson mutters. "Let's just stop talking about it, yeah? Besides, I have Youngjae at work to keep me sane."

"You, sane?" 

Jackson punches him. "Piss off."

The beer is cool and crisp. It's apparently an Irish brand the pub has shipped in and it's expensive as all hell. Good though. Jackson watches the beads of condensation run down the side of Jaebum's glass. 

"I'm serious though, man. Why don't you quit? Start something else? You always said you wanted to teach fencing." Jaebum takes a sip of his drink.

Jackson runs a finger over the rim of his beer. He'd thought about it, packing it all in, picking something new but in the end he couldn't do it. 

"Not yet." Jackson replies. "I've had enough change for a while. Maybe next year."

He can feel Jaebum's eyes run over him, judging him silently. It isn't like him, he knows, to be cautious. Usually he jumps into things without thinking and runs on instinct more than rational thought. No fear, no regrets.

Well, that was a Jackson from another time. A time before he knew Jinyoung. Now, especially now that Jinyoung is gone, Jackson finds himself double guessing himself. He endlessly questions his decisions and wonders if he could do better. If he could have done better. He isn't sure of himself any more.

"Cool." Jaebum says finally. "But let me know when you decide to yeah? I'll ask round my company, see if anyone knows of any openings."

"For fencing?" Jackson replies, amused.

Jaebum has the grace to blush. "They might. Or dancing, I know you know your way around the dance floor Wang."

Jackson laughs aloud then. "I could say the same for you, Def Soul. Or are we not going to talk about your dark and shady b-boying past?"

"Fuck off." 

"Only if you do that handstand spinning thing you used to do. I loved that."

Jackson is treated to Jaebum's middle finger as an answer and he laughs again. He's missed hanging out with Jaebum just them two. They haven't been able to possibly since before Jinyoung and Jackson started dating not because Jinyoung didn't like Jaebum – quite the opposite in fact – but they usually hung out altogether, all three of them, or with their other uni mates. Jackson has fallen mostly out of contact with them over the past eight months since Jinyoung left. There were the usual messages of condolences of course, but contact had dropped off swiftly after that. Honestly, Jackson just didn't have the energy to be friends with everyone like he used to be. He's got a few close friends and that's all he needs.

"We should do this more often." He says aloud. He should see his friends more often. He should treasure them. 

Jaebum grins. "Definitely."

Xxx

Jackson never thought he would see the day, but today he actually says something to Mark. Something serious. Something big. He's scared. He's so scared he's practically shaking.

He's been thinking about this all week. He doesn't want to say anything to his friends. He doesn't want them to worry about him, honestly, and he can predict what they'd say anyway. They'd tell him he's wrong, that he shouldn't worry, that it wasn't his fault. They're probably right, but he just doesn't want to listen to that right now. He _knows_ he's being irrational and stupid but that doesn't help stop the thoughts from whirling around in his head. 

The way he's finally convinced himself to tell Mark is that Mark is a professional, right? Mark won't judge him or tell him he's an idiot. Right?

Walking through the door to Mark's office is honestly worse than when he was waiting outside his dad's training office to tell him he was quitting the team. Shit. He feels sick.

But when he walks into the office Mark is asleep in his chair like normal. Jackson is aware that finding your counsellor unconscious is probably not supposed to be comforting but there's something about how, even though Jackson feels like his world might be falling of its axis, Mark remains unchanged that he finds reassuring. 

He lets out a sigh as he slumps down on the sofa. He looks down at the coffee, trying to find this week's quiz sheet, but instead he finds a piece of paper that says 'look up'. Confused, he obeys without thinking. Mark's eyes, soft and concerned, look right back at him.

"Hi?" Jackson blinks.

"Hi." Mark says. "I thought you might want to talk today."

"Um..." 

This is really strange. Jackson _did_ have something to say but now he's here facing Mark the words dry up in his mouth. 

"It's okay if you don't." Mark smiles. "I just thought we've been doing this a while, so maybe you might want to today. But no pressure."

He holds up a sheet of white paper with a questionnaire on it and waves it like a peace flag and despite himself, Jackson laughs. 

"Yeah, actually." He says. "I do."

Mark beams then, large white teeth almost blinding in the dim light of his office. Jackson wants to laugh again. It's probably the nerves. He takes a deep breath in and then lets it go slowly, just like he used to do before fencing competitions back when he was in high school. 

"It was my fault." He blurts out before his courage fails him. "Jinyoung. It was my fault."

He looks to Mark nervously, looking for any sign of pity. He sees none. Mark seems interested and empathetic. He looks like he wants to listen to what Jackson has to say.

"Why do you say that?" Mark asks quietly when it's clear Jackson won't continue.

"I should have noticed." Jackson says, stricken. "What kind of boyfriend was I that I didn't even realise he was unhappy?" 

Mark looks at him as if to say, 'carry on' and that's all it takes to give Jackson the courage to continue. It comes out in a huge flood, bursting through the barriers he's put up to keep himself in check and functioning.

"I love – _loved_ – him so much." Jackson plays with the rings on his right hand. They were a gift from Jinyoung for their fifth anniversary. He hadn't the heart to throw them out. "I thought I was doing right by him, you know. I thought I was making him happy but I couldn't have been, could I? Not when all he could think about was escaping."

"Did he give you any reasons why?"

Jackson shakes his head. "I don't think he knew he was going to do it until he did it. And by then it was too late to write out details or tell me why."

The trees outside Mark's window wave gently in the breeze. Jackson stares at them for a while, wondering what to say next. Even what he's already said is more than he's ever told any of his friends. It feels wonderful to say it aloud, to another human being, even if that being is being paid to listen to all of Jackson's crap. 

"What do you think his reasons were?" Mark asks, pulling Jackson out of his thoughts. 

Jackson pauses. To say he hasn't thought about it would be a lie. He's run over every conversation leading up to that day in his head a thousand times, looking for any clues, any sign that would have given away what Jinyoung was about to do. But he can't tell if he's over-analysing, looking for answers where there are none, or whether he's getting closer to the truth.

He turns to Mark and shrugs.

"I don't know. He was unhappy, I guess. Isn't it the same for everyone?"

"So do you think he was unhappy because of you?"

"I mean, there was lots of things going on, things that had been going on for a long time." Jackson says slowly. He can almost taste each word on his tongue. "He wasn't in contact with his parents or sisters any more, I knew that much. They didn't approve of his..."

He stops, searching for the right word. He's never told Mark explicitly what Jinyoung had meant to him, afraid that the counsellor would focus in on his sexuality and see that as the problem that needed fixing instead of helping him work through his grief, but he's sure Mark has figured it out from his answers to the quizzes he's done every week. It's even possible Jaebum filled him in on the situation when he hired Mark for Jackson. 

"Sexuality?" Mark finishes for him. He doesn't look surprised or uncomfortable. Jackson is grateful. He hadn't realised it but somewhere along the way he'd come to like Mark with his napping habits and strange questionnaires and un-intrusiveness. He would have been sad, he can admit that to himself, if Mark had turned out to be yet another homophobe. God knows he's met enough of those to last him several life times.

"Yes. That." Jackson confirms. "His parents hated it. Wouldn't speak to him or see him. Jinyoung was very close to them growing up and I think that really hurt him a lot. It wasn't a new thing but I don't think it stopped hurting."

"Are you in contact with your parents?"

"Yes."

"And they knew about you and Jinyoung?"

Jackson nods. "They loved him. He was so charming around them, it was so funny."

Mark smiles and motions for him to continue. 

"I don't know whether that helped or made it worse, honestly, me being in contact with my parents. He loved them but they weren't _his_ parents you know? You can't replace your parents."

"Of course not."

Emboldened by Mark's responses everything starts pouring out of Jackson in a giant rush. 

"He was a teacher."

"You told me."

"He loved kids. He told me once that being a teacher was the closest he would ever come to having children of his own."

Jackson smiles at the memory. It's a bitter sweet one for many reasons. He'd come to pick Jinyoung up after his first day on the job and had arrived early. He'd been treated to the sight of Jinyoung waving goodbye to all his tiny charges in the playground while smiling his special smile – the one that makes his eyes crinkle up at the corners – and he was beautiful.

However as soon as he'd seen Jackson Jinyoung had ushered him round the side of the building and scolded him for coming. Said he shouldn't be there, that people would get the wrong impression. Jackson had been so angry then. It had been one of their worst fights, one that meant he'd slept on Jaebum's couch for four days before he'd gone crawling back to Jinyoung to apologise.

He'd felt like a dirty secret that day, something Jinyoung was ashamed of. 

_What if the parents saw?_ he'd said. _What if they made a complaint?_

Jackson had wanted to scream at him that what did it matter what they thought? But Jinyoung had always cared. He always worried about whether people were staring if they held hands in public or whether they should have bought a flat with two bedrooms instead of one to keep up the pretence of being just friends. Jackson had tried not to let it get to him. He understood why Jinyoung was so worried but he couldn't help that wish things could be different, that they didn't have to worry about these things at all.

"He – we both – wanted children." Jackson admits quietly. "It's part of the reason we were saving up to go to America. We wanted to get married, have kids, the whole lot."

"Where in America?" 

"L.A. or maybe New York." Jackson snorts bitterly. "Doesn't matter anyway. It was a pipe dream, nothing more."

Mark hums thoughtfully. "I lived in L.A. for a while. It's a nice place. Warm."

This is unexpected. Mark has never offered up information about himself before in any of their sessions (okay, that’s possibly because he's been _asleep_ for most of them) and Jackson doesn't know what to say.

"That's cool?" He offers uncertainly. "So you speak English?"

He wants to hit himself in the face. Why the fuck did he say that? _Of course he spoke English the guy lived in America you idiot!_ He hears Jinyoung's voice echoing round his head.

Mark doesn't seem to take offence or think the question strange. He simply nods and hums.

"My family are from Taiwan but we moved around a lot. Eventually settled down in the States. And you?"

"Hong Kong, originally." Jackson replies, though he's sure Mark already knows this. It have been in his personal details he supplied to the clinic when he signed up for this counselling thing. 

"Both foreigners huh?" Mark grins. 

"Yeah." 

Silence falls again. Mark seems quite content just to sit without talking. He doesn't stare at Jackson to badger him into talking or look bored, he merely looks like he's thinking very hard about something.

Jackson hates silence. His flat is too silent without Jinyoung there to bicker with him and fill up the space with his laughter and presence. 

"Do you think it was my fault?" He asks desperately. He doesn't know why he asks, because if the answer is yes all it'll do is compound what he already knows and if the answer is no he won't believe it anyway. Stupid irrational brain. 

Mark looks at him. He seems to thinking very carefully about what to say and for the first time Jackson realises that Mark _is_ a counsellor, someone trained to help people with their problems. 

"I think," He says slowly, "that no one wants their loved ones to worry about them. Often they hide what they're feeling for months or even years and there's no shame in not noticing because Jinyoung probably did everything in his power to make sure nobody knew."

Tears spring into Jackson's eyes. He doesn't know how but Mark has said exactly the right thing, the thing Jackson was waiting to hear without even realising it. This just _makes sense_ because hasn't Jackson been doing exactly the same thing? He'd chosen to talk to Mark, a relative stranger, rather than any of his friends because he hadn't wanted to burden them with his problems, not when they'd done so much for him already. 

A tissue appears under his nose. He probably looks like a picture right now – he's an ugly crier, Jinyoung always used to tell him so – but strangely, he doesn't mind. It feels good to cry. It feels good to cry for himself, for once. A strange indulgence. 

The session goes quickly that day, faster than it’s ever gone before, and for the first time ever Jackson is looking forward to their session next week.

 _Perhaps Jaebum was right about this counselling thing,_ he thinks to himself as he walks home, lighter and freer than he's been in months.

Xxx

Jackson’s birthday used to be his favourite day of the year until he got together with Jinyoung. Then it was relegated to second place, right behind their anniversary and Jinyoung’s birthday. Both were excuses to spoil Jinyoung (something Jackson's stubborn boyfriend loved but wouldn’t allow under normal circumstances). Now it’s a painful reminder of when Jinyoung left him. 

If he had his way Jackson wouldn’t be celebrating his birthday at all this year. It’s the anniversary of Jinyoung’s passing and he really doesn’t feel like living it up, but he wants to see his friends. He’s been feeling really good the last couple of months since his breakthrough with Mark. He’s opened up a lot more in their sessions for a start and he’s starting to find joy in the things he used to love again. He wants to celebrate that. Not his birthday or Jinyoung leaving, but that he’s getting somewhere. 

He invites Jaebum, Bambam and Youngjae round for dinner and drinks. He can’t cook for shit, so when he says dinner he means ‘takeaway of some description’, but the thought is still there. He tells Bambam to invite Yugyeom along because he’s taken a real shine to that kid. Then, on impulse, he asks Mark at his session whether he’d want to come too. The shy but happy smile he’s gifted with is enough to make Jackson pleased he’s asked.

So that’s how it ended up just the six of them at Jackson’s flat. Youngjae arrives first, then Mark with Jaebum quickly after and finally – fashionably late as always – Bambam who brings Yugyeom in tow. Jackson had asked them not to buy him anything but to bring their own alcohol instead. He’s got some stocked anyway but alcohol is expensive now he’s got old and can’t stand vodka that tastes like paint stripper any more. He blames Jinyoung at least in part for that one, him and his love of ridiculously fancy wines with even more ridiculous names.

The party starts well. The drink flows freely and the chatter too. Jackson learns that Youngjae used to be in a punk rock band. Mark does a very impressive slow cartwheel straight into Jackson’s bookshelf, showering them all with books and making them all laugh. Jackson feels freer and happier than he has been in a long, long time.

Then it all starts to go wrong. 

The television crackles and then a large bang echoes through the room. Sparks fly and Jackson lets out a shriek that he will later deny he made. 

“Shit!”

“What the fuck was that?” Bambam cries. He’s huddled into Yugyeom’s side in fear. Youngjae has managed to get all the way to the back of the sofa in his shock and fright.

“The fuse must have blown or something.” Jackson says, inching closer to take a look.

“He’s here.” Yugyeom announces. 

“What?” Jackson asks. “Did you invite someone else over Yugyeommie? Bambam?” 

He looks between them. Bambam looks slightly guilty but Yugyeom looks earnest as ever. It’s not a reassuring combination.

“Bambaby?” He repeats. “Please don’t tell me you’ve hired a stripper again. It really didn’t go well the last time-“

“The last time?” Mark interrupts, interested.

“It’s a long story.” Jaebum says tiredly. “One that Jackson has told at least a thousand times and I really don’t need to hear again. Ask him later.”

Mark has a wicked gleam in his eye that Jackson really doesn’t like. Looks like he’ll be doing some talking at his next therapy session after all. Damn Mark and his weird ways of getting him to open up.

“Anyway.” Jackson attempts to distract them with his loudness. “Who’s here, you two?”

The room fills with a strange kind of tension. It’s immediate and unexpected but it feels like you could cut the air with a knife. Jackson is confused. Who could they have invited that could be that terrible? 

Bambam grabs his hands and holds them tight. “Promise me, hyung. Promise me that no matter how crazy it sounds you’ll listen to him, okay? Yugyeom knows the reason all these weird things have been happening to you! It’ll sound crazy I know, but it’s true!”

Jackson glances up at Yugyeom. He looks nervous but determined. Jackson doesn’t understand anything. 

“This better not be another one of your pranks, Bambam, or so help me god...” Jaebum says from behind Jackson.

“No!” Bambam exclaims. 

Yugyeom steps forward, pushing Bambam to the side. He walks straight up to Jackson and looks him dead in the eye. He smiles nervously. 

“It’s Jinyoung.” He says. “He’s here.”

The world crumbles out from underneath Jackson’s feet. His heart pounds in his chest, blood rushing from his face and his hands tremble.

“What the fuck?” Jaebum lunges forward and grabs Yugyeom by the collar. “What the fuck kind of sick joke is this?” 

“He isn’t joking!” Bambam screams, tugging uselessly at Jaebum’s arm.

Jackson watches it all happening as if it were a dream. Youngjae’s gaze keeps flitting between Yugyeom and Jackson, as if he can’t decide where to look. Mark stays calm and silent. He observes but says nothing, interested but apart. He looks like a counsellor for the first time. 

“What do you mean, Jinyoung is here?” Jackson says finally. “He can’t be here. It just isn’t possible I-”

He breaks off, unable to continue. Stupid really, that the mere mention of Jinyoung’s name is enough to have him breaking down like a dam before a huge wave. He doesn’t like it, how raw and exposed he feels now. 

Jaebum instantly releases Yugyeom and moves to Jackson’s side. He places his hand on Jackson’s arm, but Jackson shrugs him off. 

“I _found him_ , Bambam. He’s dead! He can’t-” Jackson swallows back his tears. “He can’t be here.”

“Not in body.” Yugyeom says quietly. 

“You’re saying he’s a ghost?” Youngjae looks round the room in fear, as if expecting something to jump out at him at any moment. But the room stays silent and still. It feels like the calm before the storm.

“Yugyeom can see spirits. He can sometimes talk with them.” Bambam says hurriedly. “I didn’t believe it at first either but it’s true. Right Yugyeom?”

He turns to Yugyeom, who’s looking incredibly nervous. He doesn’t look like the type to lie about this kind of thing but it’s possible not to be lying and yet the statement not be true. Jackson knows this better than most. 

“Mark?” Jackson calls him over. “What do you think?”

“I think anything is possible.” Mark replies sagely.

Jackson turns to Jaebum, who shrugs. This isn’t his type of thing. Jackson worries his bottom lip.

“Come on, hyung.” Bambam wheedles. “Weren’t you the one to tell me that there were things happening in this flat that you couldn’t explain? What harm could hearing Yugyeom out do?”

What harm? Jackson thinks it could harm him greatly. He’s only just got to the point he feels he’s got everything under control. He’s moving forward in his life with the help of his friends and he doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardise that, even if it seems innocuous enough. The mind is an illogical thing. Who knows what could tip it off balance?

“I think it might be good.” Mark pipes up again. He’s been mostly silent all evening, only speaking when spoken to, but he seems to have found his voice now.

“Good?” Jaebum runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “Yes, because listening to a crazy guy who thinks he can see ghosts is a really good idea.”

“Don’t call him that.”

All eyes in the room turn to Youngjae. He’d mostly been content to sit the argument out but right now Jackson has never seen him so angry.

“Don’t call him crazy.” Youngjae repeats, furious. “I don’t care what you think of him. There’s no excuse for using that word. Jinyoung would have been called crazy too, you know. Did you think he was crazy?”

“No!” Jaebum denies immediately. “I would never-”

“Then don’t call Yugyeom that.” Youngjae interrupts sternly. He turns to Yugyeom and smiles. “Go on Yugyeom. Tell us what Jinyoung said.”

For a moment Yugyeom doesn’t speak, seemingly overwhelmed. Jackson can’t blame him. He has never seen this side of Youngjae before in all his years of being friends and it’s quite startling to see the normally mild-mannered and sunny Youngjae so full of rage. Jaebum remains silent, chastised. 

“Right. Well.” Yugyeom says, clearly still stunned. “He doesn’t say much when we’re here. He usually just hovers about, watching us, and then occasionally he moves some stuff. Once he broke one of your mugs, it had been lying on the side close to the edge of the table and he just pushed it right off. Another time he slammed your window shut.” 

“Why would he do that?” Jackson’s brows furrow in confusion. 

Yugyeom shrugs. “He’d talk sometimes. Usually mutter about how you’d never get by without him to remind you to do laundry or remember to lock the door. He seemed to get more adamant about that the longer it was since-” He looks away. “-you know.”

“So what you’re saying is he was – is – tormenting me under the pretence of looking after me because he doesn’t want to be forgotten?” Jackson bursts out laughing and Jaebum and Yugyeom look at him like he’s gone mad. “I’m sorry – it’s just it’s so _Jinyoung_. Doesn’t want to stay-” His voice breaks slightly, “-but he doesn’t want to leave. Doesn’t want to be left behind. Indecisive bastard.”

The curtains rustle, indignantly somehow.

“Oh shut up.” Jackson snaps, borderline hysterical. “Don’t try and pretend it isn’t true. You once took _three hours_ deciding whether you wanted your hair up or down!”

“I remember that.” Jaebum says quietly. “Then he was pissed we’d finished all the beer without him.”

Seemingly without meaning to Mark lets out a bark of laughter. He immediately covers his mouth like he hadn’t meant to laugh at all. “Sorry.” He says. “It’s just… He sounds like quite the character. I would have liked to meet him.”

“He was.” Jackson smiles to himself. “I think you’d get on well. He always liked people he could talk over.”

Now it’s Yugyeom’s turn to laugh. Everyone in the room turns to him expectantly.

“Did he say something?” Bambam asks.

“He said ‘Are you sure you aren’t talking about yourself, Jacksonie?’” Yugyeom laughs and Bambam joins in quickly. 

“Hey! I don’t talk that much!” Jackson protests. “Besides, don’t you remember how Jinyoung liked to be right? Couldn’t stand it if he wasn’t. Sometimes I swear he would continue even though he _knew_ he was wrong just because he didn’t want anyone else to win!”

Jaebum groans. “Please. As if you aren’t just as bad. I swear when you two were made you were cut from the same cloth.”

“I’ve only been out with Jackson and Jinyoung without somebody else once, and let me tell you,” Bambam leans in to Mark conspiratorially, “ _never. Again._ ”

“Me too.” Youngjae pipes up. “I was stuck with them at an office party for half the night once. They ignored me and just bickered the whole time!”

Jackson pouts. “What is this, pick on Jackson and Jinyoung day? It’s my birthday you horrible cretins!”

“Do you remember that one year Jinyoung persuaded us all to pretend we’d forgotten Jackson’s birthday?” Jaebum grins wickedly. “His whining was unbelievable.” 

“Oh god I remember that!” Youngjae laughs. 

Bambam relaxes back into Yugyeom’s side with a sigh. “So funny. Those were good times huh?”

Jackson is about to protest – while wondering to himself why he has so many friends that delight in his pain – but then he catches sight of all his friends. They look… content. Jackson stays quiet. Jinyoung often used to mock him for his inability to shut up but Jackson knows when not to interrupt a moment.

“I miss him.” Jaebum confesses quietly, breaking the silence.

Jackson startles at the sound. He feels ashamed. Sometimes in his pain forgets that Jaebum has known Jinyoung even longer than he has. He walks over to Jaebum and pulls him in close, wrapping him in a tight hug.

“I miss him too.” 

“He’s gone.” Yugyeom says. 

Instantly Jackson releases Jaebum and turns to look at Yugyeom in shock.

“Gone?” Jackson parrots, heart beating fast. “You mean…”

Yugyeom nods. Something in Jackson clicks. He was expecting some kind of waterfall of tears or breakdown but all that comes is a wave of acceptance. 

“Did he say anything before he went?” He asks.

Once again Yugyeom inclines his head. “I don’t really understand… but then maybe I’m not supposed to. He said ‘ _you can take Bambam out for meat_ ’.”

Jackson lets out a bark of laughter. The others all look at him in shock as he devolves into a fit of giggles, holding his stomach as tears roll down his eyes. He can’t believe that even in death Jinyoung continues to be ornery and difficult and too proud to say what he really means. The wave of fondness rises up in his chest but for the first time in the year since Jinyoung left them the memory brings no pain, only warmth. 

“It means _‘it’s not your fault. It was me. I’m sorry.’_ ” Jackson says in between his tears of laughter. “Why couldn’t you just have said that, Jinyoungie?”

_Because you know me, Jackie Wang. Can’t just follow like a sheep. Gotta do things my own way._

“Yeah, I do.” Jackson smiles to himself. He looks round the room at the people surrounding him and feels nothing but gratitude and love. He launches himself at Yugyeom and wraps himself round him like a vine. “I’m so lucky to have you guys.” 

The bear hug Yugyeom gives him is so strong he feels like his ribs are breaking. He gasps and they fall over, taking Jaebum with them as they go. As they lay there, groaning in pain and severely disorientated, a fierce cry of ‘DOGPILE!’ comes from above them and soon there’s Bambam’s long gangly limbs everywhere and then Youngjae’s warm, steady weight and Mark’s pointy elbows in a giant mess on Jackson’s scratchy, ugly carpet that Jinyoung had always hated. Jackson laughs. 

Surrounded by his friends, Jackson thinks that even though maybe he isn’t okay now and probably won’t be okay tomorrow either, he will be eventually. One day.


End file.
